Confession

Since the breakup a few weeks ago, I have been trying to take better care of myself: exercise, eat healthier, get plenty of sleep. My moods have been a little erratic, occasionally in the gutter with depression, and sometimes through the roof with energy. I have such a firm rule about starting a new relationship that I am really careful about how I behave when my eye is caught.

I didn’t mean for this afternoon to happen, you know. It wasn’t a planned thing. I suppose a cheater always says that, at least at first. Deep down, of course, it was a deliberate act of self-sabotage. I knew the man I live with wouldn’t be home for several hours.

So, when I saw you at Target this afternoon, I knew, in a primal way, that I would take you home with me. No one would have to know. I knew that I shouldn’t, but I wasn’t listening to myself. You looked so smart in your brown outfit, with the blue top. I admit, I fantasized right there what it would be like strip you naked, there in the store in front of all those people and take you, but I was afraid I would be arrested. I tried to ignore you. I tried to do the right thing. I deliberately walked away.

I focused on my shopping list. Wandering in housewares, I picked up some measuring cups. I thought I saw you for just a moment, but I was mistaken. I was caressing the baking pans and dreaming of cookies when I realized security might be watching me. I put the pans down, and with a new determination, I began combing the store, trying to find you again.

In ladies wear, I had to put the belt and gloves into the cart while the guard stared at me, as I had been trying them on for several minutes as a guise. I checked upstairs. While I did find a fantastic bargain on the vacuum-sealer bags I like, you were no where to be found. In a last-ditch-effort, I returned downstairs to the food section of the store. I considered the Halloween candy, but it all seemed so ugly. I scored some Starbucks beans on sale. In a fit of pure frustration, I grabbed some Chex mix. I could not find you at all.

I was ready to give up and leave.

I turned then, and there you were, waiting for me. You didn’t say a word. Neither did I. Everything we needed to say could be communicated in a glance. I traced my finger along your face, enjoying its amazing smoothness. In a rush, I paid for my purchases and we headed to the Metro.

~ ~ ~

Thankfully, I did not have to explain your presence to the guard at the front desk. Once again, he was on rounds. It was all I could do to contain myself on the elevator, but there were other people, and I did not want to risk tales being told. I fumbled with my key, trying to unlock the door to the apartment. You were so close, I could almost smell you. The door opened. I shoved my bags in, turned to you, and locked the door behind me.

~ ~ ~

I needed a shower afterwards, our rendezvous was that messy. But oh, how blissfully delicious. A part of me feels guilty for taking you into my mouth like that, greedily, hungrily, but another part of me knows I will certainly do it again, if I have a chance. I just hope I don’t get pimples.

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